Expert Tips for Dating When Disabled

The challenges of dating have inspired countless movies, books, and songs over the years. Even for able-bodied people, putting yourself out there opens you up to a lot of uncertainty and vulnerability. You have baggage. You wonder about their baggage. You both have expectations the other may not be able to reach.

When you consider the additional stigmas and negative attitudes that people who live with a disability often face, dating can be especially intimidating if you're disabled. The popularity of reality shows like Love on the Spectrum reinforces that people with disabilities deserve love and companionship as much as anyone. If a romantic relationship is something you desire, you don't need to take yourself out of the running because you have certain physical or mental limitations.

Tips for Dating With a Disability

To get some insight on how you can mesh dating and disability together successfully, we sought advice from two experts in the field of dating when disabled—Christan Marashio, a certified dating coach, dating behavior specialist, and co-host of the Dateology Coach Podcast, and Jessica Cox, a pilot, taekwondo black belt, and motivational speaker who was born without arms due to a rare birth defect.

1. Become Your Best Self

Despite what romantic comedies might lead you to believe, you don't need someone to "complete you." You shouldn't seek out a partner to fill a void in your life or provide a service for you. Instead, you should seek out a companion because you're ready to share the joy in your own life. In other words, Cox says, you have to be comfortable in your skin.

"Once I was able to find my place in the world and find my confidence in this world, once I could put out this vibe of self-love and body positivity and confidence, once I really found myself, I was finally able to take the next step of loving someone," says Cox, who recently celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary.

Becoming comfortable with yourself is important for anyone who's looking to date, but especially those who are disabled. "The last thing you want to do—arms or no arms—is find yourself in a relationship where someone wants you because you're vulnerable," Cox says. "I think that's what most people don't recognize. Whether you're disabled or not, you need to work on yourself. When you feel good about yourself, that's when good people come into your life, whether they are spouses, partners, or friends."

2. Learn to Be Comfortably Single

The thought of going to parties, movies, restaurants, or even on vacations on your own can be intimidating, but learning to navigate the world as a single person can give you a good dose of confidence, Marashio says. The more experience you have going out in the world alone, the more independent you become, and the easier it gets to step outside your comfort zone.

"And find the things that you love to do," she adds. Join a hiking club, take a baking class, or browse book fairs. What you'll find is a group of people who enjoy doing the same things you do—and among them could be your best friend or life partner.

"There would've been no way my husband of 10 years and I would have met if it hadn't been for that single shared passion of taekwondo," Cox says. Both she and her husband got into taekwondo as children but met as adults. "We met literally on the mat."

"I was in my element and he was in his element, and we were both in a good place in our lives," she says. "We started to get to know each other and I recognized he was a guy who sees a person for who they are. That was one of the things I wanted to find in a guy."

3. Don't Worry So Much About What Other People Think

It's hard not to worry about what other people think of us. We all want to be liked and accepted for who we are. And often, we try to cover up our shortcomings. For people in the disability community, it can be especially difficult not to worry about what others think due to the stigmas that exist. "Whether it's said to your face or not, it's implied in so many ways," Cox says.

But that stigma may actually benefit those with visible disabilities, she adds. At a recent conference, Cox met up with five other women who were born without arms. The subject of dating came up and one woman said that, in some ways, not having arms was like having a filter that filtered out the "superficial jerks" from the "good guys who could see past the superficial."

Unfortunately, there will always be those who judge you based on your appearance or shortcomings. "There are so many ignorant people out there in terms of how they treat people with disabilities and, frankly, we need to learn how to navigate those situations. If you learn to build a tolerance to other people's ignorance, whether you're putting yourself out there as someone with a disability, or as someone who is not conventionally beautiful or conventionally thin," Marashio adds, "that's going to help build your resistance."

4. Face Your Fears

You can be confident and happily single and still be fearful of dating. Don't let it hold you back. Cox, who describes herself as "fiercely independent," has spent her life pushing the boundaries of what others assume she is capable of. That hasn't gone away now that she's married to a "fully limbed" man.

In fact, when faced with challenges, she continues to tackle them head-on, like getting her pilot's license to combat her fear of "losing contact with the ground," or taking the mic on stage as a stand-up comedian. Conquering her fears fuels her with confidence.

"Confidence for me has been a journey of doing a series of things where I can be proud of myself," she says. "I'm a doer. My motivations are authentic. When I set aside a goal for myself and accomplish it, I get a surge of self-confidence."

When and How Should I Tell Someone I'm Dating That I'm Disabled?

"I've held several discussions and workshops about dating with a disability. It's also a regular topic on my podcast," Marashio says. And the most burning question asked — "When should I reveal my disability?"

People with visible disabilities (such as wheelchair users or others with mobility impairments) may not have the option of deciding when to disclose their disability. But some disabling conditions are invisible, like diabetes, cancer, or mental illnesses. All disabilities come with their own special challenges, and at some point, the other person will need to know what you are dealing with because—if your relationship progresses—they may have to deal with it as well.

When and how to tell somebody you're dating that you have a disability is highly personal, but dating experts have some advice on how to navigate this complicated issue. Remember first that your disability does not define you, Marashio says. "If you come from a place of confidence and let someone get to know you and see a bigger picture of you, they have an opportunity to define you separate from your disability."

You are allowed to reveal how or why you became disabled in your own timeframe and on your own terms, she says. Doing so will also require you to be vulnerable, so you want to be sure you are comfortable enough with your date that you can trust them to be respectful. Watch for red flags. Trust your instincts. And listen to your friends. "They have your best interests at heart," Marashio says.

Red Flags to Avoid When Dating

Most people have "dating dealbreakers" or qualities that they avoid in a potential partner. While there's no one-size-fits-all rule of thumb when it comes to dating, people with disabilities may want to keep an eye on certain warning signs that can signify that a partner isn't a good match.

• Do they respect your needs? Your partner should understand when you're unable or unwilling to do an activity that isn't compatible with your disability. If they keep suggesting dates to locations that are overstimulating or inaccessible, consider whether they'll be accommodating to your disabling condition in the long run.
• Do they respond appropriately to feedback? Many people have a hard time understanding when people with disabilities can't summon the energy to perform tasks that seem simple or undemanding. For example, if your chronic fatigue syndrome keeps you from doing the dishes at the end of the day, your partner should listen and work with you to divide chores in a way that doesn't drain your stamina.
• Do they treat you differently in public than in private? Nobody likes to feel that they're just an accessory to their partner or that their partner is ashamed of who they are. If you're dating someone who is reluctant to be seen with you in public settings—or, conversely, posts about your relationship on social media but doesn't spend much time with you in private—it may suggest that they don't have a healthy perspective on dating a disabled person.

As with any relationship, communication is key. If you feel like your partner isn't understanding how your disability impacts your ability to function, raise the issue with them (with the help of a friend, if necessary). Many dating misunderstandings occur out of ignorance rather than malice. A good partner will acknowledge when they've made an unintentionally hurtful mistake and avoid that same behavior in the future.

Advice for Dating Someone Who Has a Disability

Able-bodied people who are actively dating somebody with a disability aren't always sure how to handle the (often sensitive) topics surrounding the disabling condition. For example, they may be curious about the mechanics of intimacy with somebody in a wheelchair, but aren't comfortable broaching the subject even within a serious relationship. Respect—and education—will go a long way towards maintaining compatibility.

• Do your research. Many disabled people will say that it is exhausting having to explain the details of their condition day in and day out. You can help relieve your partner of this emotional toll by taking the initiative and educating yourself on their disability. For example, if you're dating somebody with Parkinson's disease, you might want to check out an organization dedicated to the disorder, such as the Parkinson's Foundation, to learn about the basics rather than have your partner lay it all out for you.
• Examine ableist biases. Even the most well-intentioned people have biases that they haven't really thought about—usually because they've never had to before. You can be a good partner to somebody with a disability by listening to their experiences without judgment and recognizing how the everyday hurdles they may face affect their outlook.
• Don't patronize. Unsurprisingly, disabled people don't like being pitied, treated like children, or having the mere fact of their existence be considered heroic. Avoid making your partner's disability into their entire personality.

As always, kindness and empathy are fundamentals in any successful relationship. Being there for your partner when they're going through a "bad day"—which is common for people with chronic conditions—can help make the "good days" more enjoyable and memorable for both of you.

Dating Services, Apps, and Online Sites for Disabled People

Slightly more than a quarter of the country's adult population is identified by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as living with a disability. If you're one of the many disabled Americans who are searching for love online, you have several options at your disposal. Online dating sites like Match, Zoosk, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, and OK Cupid offer filters that allow you to search for members inside or outside of the disability community. Apps such as Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble are also popular to use on your phone or mobile device.

If you're mainly focused on dating another person with a disability, several sites and apps exist that cater specifically to the disability community, such as Special Bridge, Whispers4U, DisabilityMatches, Udolly, and Dateability. Some services focus on specific disabilities, such as Deafs.com and DeafSinglesMeet for deaf people or Hiki for people who are neurodivergent. Searching "dating app + (your disability)" can be a good place to start your entry into the dating scene.

Additional Resources for People with Disabilities

Looking for a fulfilling relationship may be the last thing on your mind when you're struggling to make ends meet, and few people are inclined to go out on expensive dates when money's tight. If you're worried about your bank account and wondering what your options are, you might want to check out our articles on financial planning for people with disabilities, government housing assistance programs, and help paying for rent or utilities. You can also browse our full set of articles on other disability assistance for additional relevant information.